


There are days like this

by Anonymous



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon), Tangled (2010)
Genre: Anger Management, Character Study, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Crying, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Roll down the screen and turn off the light, Self-Loathing, Varian Has Issues (Disney), You're about to see a PROJECTION
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26839951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Everything is supposed to be healed and mended, so why does Varian still feel so... angry?Or:Varian and Rapunzel support each other through the struggle of forgiveness.
Relationships: Rapunzel & Varian (Disney)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 54
Collections: Anonymous





	There are days like this

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello! 💖
> 
> This whole thing could've been conveyed in three sentences but I went off the rails. 😂 Criticism very welcome, but please keep in mind that this is a vent fic of sorts, partly based on a real-life conversation I had with someone I've struggled to forgive. Thanks! 💕

A bitter laugh. “Screw it, I’m not— I’m not doing this.”

Clang. “Varian?”

“What is up with you today?!”

“Hey kid, you okay?”

Thud. He must’ve knocked something over.

“Just— sorry, I should, I’ll just go.”

She grabbed his shoulder. “Varian…”

“Just—!”  _ Don’t yell. _ “Leave me alone.”

BANG!

Varian’s hurried steps still echoed in the empty corridor of Corona’s royal palace when he flopped onto a bench, trying and failing to calm down. Even the sound of Rapunzel’s door which he had left behind a corner was still present—or maybe it was just his mind.

“For fuck’s sake,” he hissed at himself, opening his eyes after another deep inhale failed to untangle the pathetic knot of anger that had been sitting settled somewhere inside of his chest for the entire day.

The place was peaceful, so unlike the hustle and bustle going on at Rapunzel’s bedroom. Only sunshine, dust hanging in the air, half-dead flowers and wrinkling carpets. Usually, Varian found it heartwarming, little imperfections that made a golden palace into a home. Usually. Now, he couldn’t stand these wrinkles, he couldn’t stand his friends just casually laughing and poking fun, and playing charades.

He picked at the thumb of his work gloves, slightly burnt a few shades lighter than the rest, ignoring the tiny tremors running through his hands. The guilt gnawed at him already, bursts of nervous energy swirling just below his sternum, sneaking their way among all the unwanted rage. He knew he should go back there and apologize. It was so stupid and selfish—acting like a jerk all day, snapping at his friends, storming off for no reason.

It had all begun with an old cape, his own creation, one that had served him many a winter. He had found it this morning. Somehow it’d been lying tossed under the shelf of his lab all this time. At first, he had turned to throw it away, thinking nothing of it. But… it was full of memories. He had set it aside and gotten to work.

He really hadn’t meant to rethink the day of the storm over and over after that. Though, well, it didn’t matter what Varian meant, did it? He’d still ended up wiping snot and tears with that cape.

He hated himself for it. Everything was supposed to be healed and mended—his dad was safe, Varian was free and had reconciled with his friends. None of it had meant anything when the memories had started looping around in his head and lungs until there was no room left for air.  He had pushed his notes away and told Ruddiger he was going to get some fresh air, voice breaking and big fat tears already rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t remember how much time he had spent on the floor of his lab, sobbing into the old fabric and barely registering the smell of frost and Ruddiger’s soft chittering.

It hurt. It still hurt. So fucking much.

He had burst into the palace so desperate that one faithful day, heaving,  _ pleading _ . He had begged for Rapunzel’s help with trembling hands laced as if in prayer, believing in  _ her _ at that moment more than he believed in anything, trusting, placing all his hope in her and she had… frowned at him, bit her fucking lip in anxious pity, simply watching as  _ her guards _ had dragged him screaming and kicking, thrown him out of the castle and into the storm. And then she had abandoned him just like their kingdom had; just like each and every one of his friends and neighbors. Then the news had reached him, talk about this  _ unstable alchemist attacking the Princess _ . He could’ve been lying dead in the mountains, taken by the deadly storm, for all she had known, and she hadn’t cared one bit. That’s how it felt, how it still felt.

Varian buried his hot face in his hands, only the thick gloves preventing him from digging angry crescents into his forehead. Why was he still holding onto all that like a pathetic child? He had forgiven Rapunzel, they had forgiven  _ each other _ —everything had ended well. He wiped his eyes, refusing to give in to this pointless throbbing rage, rhythmically pulsating in tandem with his racing heart: thump. thump, thump, the storm, the amber, the prison.

“Varian?” He didn’t want to face her right now, he really didn’t, but he bravely lifted his head at the sound of Rapunzel’s soft voice. “Are you okay?”

He blinked to make sure he had gotten rid of the stupid stinging in his eyes. “Yeah, of course, I’m… so sorry about that, I just… No,” he answered lamely. “No, I’m not.”

She sat down at a comfortable distance, probably sensing his anger no matter how hard he tried to stifle it. “What’s going on?” she asked sincerely, and Varian thought that damn, she didn’t deserve such a terrible friend as him, unable to look past a mistake she had made forever ago and made up for a thousand times. He had hurt her, wrongly punished her in so many ways, and it still wasn’t enough. “Whatever it is, you can always talk to me. You know that, right?” No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t talk to her about that. “Varian?”

“I’m sorry,” he choked out around the painful lump in his throat, and Rapunzel budged in surprise. Her frown deepened at the sound of his voice. An eager but hesitant hand reached in Varian’s direction, so he shakily waved it away.

A shadow of hurt passed over her face, and Varian’s own hands balled into fists. “What for?”

He couldn’t tell if it was more anger or more shame that sent a wave of heat to his cheeks and ears. This was exactly the face he had just escaped—this innocent hurt. He was doing it all day, persistently sending daggers her way, no matter hard he tried to be civil. She shouldn’t be here, all worried—she should keep on smiling and laughing with Eugene, Lance and the girls in her room.

“I-I can’t talk to you about that,” Varian admitted, voice almost steady.

“Why?”

_ Because I shouldn’t even feel like this. Because I’d only hurt you, because I’d be a burden. Because I don’t know how to explain myself. _

“‘Cause it wouldn’t be fair,” he told her. “It’s stupid. I don’t want you to have to… listen to it.”

Rapunzel inched closer to him, the concern in her features smoothing, easing into a gentle caring smile that failed to speak to Varian at all. “You don’t have to worry about me. If you don’t want to talk about it I won’t press you, but… I’m here for you whenever you need it. Okay?”

“I’m— it’s— you sure you want to hear it? It’s not… kind, I don’t—don’t want to be—”

“I’m sure.” She was right beside him now, and he had no idea how he felt about that anymore. “Are you mad at me?”

Varian looked away, deciding to focus on his trembling gloves again. His eyes stung and throat tightened as soon as he answered quietly, “No. It’s not that.” Or maybe it was, it certainly had felt like it,  a flame of seething rage and a flood of heartbreak fresh as new. Right now, stiff wooden fear was pumping in his veins, dancing beneath his ribcage and trying to keep him from speaking like a leaden gag. Suddenly, he needed more air, so he drew a shaky breath before continuing.

“So, today I was looking around the lab at home,” he began, eyes stubbornly drilling into his thumb. “You know that experiment from last week?” Rapunzel sent a confirming hum his way. “I had to throw away all of my beakers after that, they just started breaking so much, I must’ve damaged the glass… I didn’t know which are damaged and which aren’t so I had to, you know, break them all. Had some fun while I was at it.” He chuckled nervously, well aware that he was rambling. He glanced at Rapunzel, checking if she was as annoyed as he imagined, but she just looked back at him with an encouraging smile. “There were glass shards everywhere, so I had to clean. Don’t want Ruddiger hurting his paws. And…” he was getting to the difficult bit, heart racing and muscles trembling more and more. Swallowing was difficult. “And I hoped to maybe find some stashed glassware… and I… I found my old cape.”

Rapunzel blinked, confused. “Cape?”

“My winter cape. T-the one I… the one I wore when, um.”

Understanding dawned on her face and she parted her lips but stayed quiet. She knew what he was talking about—but she wasn’t going to say it for him. “It’s okay,” she whispered.

“D-during the storm, Zhan Tiri’s,” he supplied, defeated. Rapunzel’s sad face started to blur, but he didn’t bother wiping his eyes. Suddenly he didn’t mind anything at all, he just wanted to tell her, to get it out. “When I came to you asking f-for help, w-when my dad— do you remember that?”

She acted as if she didn’t see the tears, didn’t hear his voice breaking on every other word. “Yes.”

“I just— I just saw that cape and started  _ thinking, _ ” Varian went on, and moment by moment, he felt any walls he might’ve been meticulously raising crashing down. Before he knew, the words were leaping from his mouth, almost as though he had no say in it. “I know it wasn’t like that, I really kn-know, but I remembered h-how they just— they just took me away a-and threw me out. They just— into the s-snow.” His nose was completely blocked by snot, and that’s how he noticed the salty water dripping down his face and onto his shirt. “And then I— then I got h-home and found  _ him _ , and— and I was alone, no one could help, no one came. No one came.” First sobs started punching his lungs and, by gods, he should stop, he should calm down but now that he was finally talking, he couldn’t, he didn’t want to stop. “And then I couldn’t— couldn’t— they said I a-attacked you. I heard them call me dangerous, they… I heard you called me unstable. A-and, and, and you were right. You were right but— I did so much wrong to you and I don’t deserve— but—”

“Varian…”

And then it broke. He gathered the leather fabric of his apron, huddling it close to his chest as his face scrunched up and he cried like a baby, noisily and uncaringly, and for some reason, he felt like he was five years old again. “You can’t— you can’t— it’s  _ wrong _ . You don’t throw someone out when they’re crying, when there’s a, a b-blizzard, it’s wrong,” he sobbed. “You can’t— you don’t leave a fr-friend so alone, you— I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, b-but… you shouldn’t do that to anyone!” He couldn’t breathe. “When I first came, I didn’t attack you, I never meant— And they… called me  _ bad _ , I wasn’t, I was hurting and… after y-you left…” He didn’t even know what he was saying anymore, but more sobs and more words kept spilling along with the hot tears and snot. “That’s wrong. It’s cruel and it’s hurtful  _ and _ … wrong… and… I’m s-sorry!”

Suddenly, there was sniffling at his side that wasn’t his, and he turned his watery eyes to Rapunzel. Her face was all blotchy, chin wobbling, and first tears rolled down her flushed cheeks. “No,” she said. “ _ I’m _ sorry. Varian, you have no idea how I regret… I know it’s no excuse but I just, I wasn’t ready for these choices, I barely knew what I was doing.”

He shook his head, eyes widening. No. No no no, no, this wasn’t what he meant! Why did he tell her so many hurtful things, what had he done?

“After the storm, I couldn’t… I couldn’t go see you, I couldn’t do  _ anything, _ ” Rapunzel cried as Varian tried to find his voice again, now suddenly gone and paralysed. “I was so scared, and I didn’t know what to do, and I did nothing. And my dad said everything’s fine, and… Varian,  _ I will never forgive myself— _ ”

He gasped. “No!”

“What?”

“It wasn’t your fault! I—I don’t think that!” She just sat there, looking on at him in surprise, so he continued. “Rapunzel, I… We both know you did the right thing that day, and…” He paused, trying to catch his breath. “And now I understand why you didn’t come after the s-storm, I… you didn’t know. I probably wouldn’t come either. You… you did your best, I know you did. You always tried your best to be kind to me, and I... If anyone should never forgive themselves it’s me. After what  _ I _ did.”

She took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “No. I forgave you.”

“I never really apologized,” he whispered.

“You did though. In so many ways.”

But all he could do was cry. “Just please, don’t think I still blame you,  _ please _ . I’m sorry I said all this, I thought I was doing better, but I’m such a fucking… mess. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I behave like this, and why I feel so... so... I have no right to, but—” Now that he realized how loud of a scene he just caused, and what he said to her, Varian wanted to sink through the floor, hide under the sheets and never crawl out. “—I do.”

“How do you feel?”

“Hurt,” he admitted, fighting fresh tears, and turned away. “I feel hurt.”

Rapunzel fell silent for some time, before cautiously pressing herself against his side, an awkward semi-hug. Semi-comfort. “Look,” she sighed. “Sometimes I’m still really fucking mad at you.”

Oh.

Varian was so shocked hearing her swear that he stopped crying, firm guilt quickly replacing the shreds of pain and embarrassment. “You should be,” he murmured.

“No, wait, let me finish. I understand what you’ve gone through as well now, maybe not fully… but I do know this—you made mistakes. And you lost control, got thrown into that situation and got lost, same as I. Doesn’t stop me from reliving the day you took my best friend and mother into your automaton’s hands and squeezed.” She quickly tightened her grip on Varian’s arm when his breath hitched again. “And many others. Sometimes… it just hurts to  _ remember _ , right?”

He nodded, failing to stop another spasm of his lungs and preserve some dignity. “I don’t… I don’t want to feel like this. It’s how I felt  _ then _ . And I did all those terrible things, I— I don’t want to be like that ever again.”

“Oh, Varian.” She cupped his face, studying him for a beat, before opening her arms. The embrace was gentle, fragile even, so unlike the bear hugs she gave left and right when she was in a good mood. At first, Varian stiffened at the unfamiliar touch, but found himself melting into her shoulder, closing his eyes. It was soft and safe, close—a hug that felt like one from the closest friend, an elder sister. No one had ever held him that way. Or maybe Mom. “You’re not a bad person. You  _ do _ have the right to still feel hurt, you have  _ every _ right.”

And so, more tears. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she whispered into his hair. “There are always days like this.”

“I’m so selfish. I don't mean to blame you, I swear. I ruined the day.”

“I believe you.” She pulled away and seriously looked him in the eye. "You didn't ruin anything. And it’s not selfish. If you apologize one more time I’ll have no choice but to make you a goodie basket, wrap you in a blanket and never let go.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad.” Varian chuckled, pressing his hands against his eyes and letting the tears seep into the gloves. “Oh gods,” he whined, embarrassed. “I’m s— I mean, thanks.”

A pure, vibrant smile blossomed on Rapunzel’s face. Somehow, it made her look merry and sunny right away, despite the redness of her eyes. “Thank you for telling me. Do you want to come back and finish the game?”

He considered it for a second. “Actually, I think it would be best if I just went home.”

“Of course! Is Quirin there?”

“Um, he should be by now. Why?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. It makes me feel better that you won’t be alone. Oh,” she exclaimed, gently pulling at the corner of Varian’s soaked apron. “Add this to the laundry on your way out. You don’t have to come in tomorrow if you don’t feel up to it too,” she suggested gently.

Even so angry around her as today, Varian knew that he really,  _ really _ didn’t deserve her friendship. He shook his head. “No no, I’ve got too many things going on, no stalling. I’m sor— uh, thank you so much, Rapunzel. You’re sure you’re okay? I kinda already regret dumping this on you.”

“I’m okay. And I have Eugene and Pascal to hug all I want.”

“Yeah, maybe make them a goodie basket.”

Rapunzel laughed, gently smacking his shoulder. “Fool,” she said. “I’ve already done it countless times. And don’t think you can escape it either, not in the long run!”

Varian shifted nervously. “Rapunzel, I… I’d really like to go now.”

“Sure thing. Travel safe! Oh, and kiss Ruddiger from me.”

“Will do.”

Her voice reached him just as he was rounding a corner. “Varian!” She was still standing next to the bench, half-turned in her bedroom’s direction, as if she remembered something important. “We love you! I love you!”

He answered with the widest smile he was capable of right now. “I love you too.”

* * *

Eugene let out a breath of relief when Rapunzel quietly entered the bedroom again. Varian had been pretty nasty to them all today, but especially to her, and Eugene was close to snapping as well. The kid had looked absolutely fuming before bolting out of the room, knocking things over. It wasn’t surprising that Rapunzel’s cheer had dimmed and soon, she'd been already leaving to find their wayward royal alchemist.

To be completely honest, as much as Eugene wanted to put Varian in his place, he would’ve followed him himself if Rapunzel hadn’t done so. He was getting worried too.

Rapunzel turned to them, eyes puffy and brimming with tears.

On the other hand, Eugene might kick Varian’s ass. “What’s his deal? What did he say?” he asked hawkishly.

“That he loves us,” she answered with a soft smile.

“Oh.”

Meanwhile, having forgotten to dump his apron into the laundry—what's new—Varian left the palace grounds a little lighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry I'm so hopelessly sappy. If you have the time, please share your thoughts and I'll love you forever. 😂💖
> 
> By the way, if you're curious, [this amazing post by bestworstcase](https://an-ah-rlt.tumblr.com/post/630995897844744192/what-are-your-opinions-on-the-whole) describes my exact views on the S1 conflict between Varian and Rapunzel.


End file.
